"This Just In..." 35

Today’s subject is “milk”. Prepare to take notes.

Consider the word “whole”, succinctly defined as “comprising the full quantity, amount, extent, number, etc., without diminution or exception; entire, full, or total”.

That says it all. In the literal sense, things that are whole simply can’t be made better.

Take whole milk, for example. With just over three per cent of fat, it served generations of young and old seeking both a cold and tasty drink and something in which to dip their cookies.

But, as with all good things, there were those setting out to spoil the fun.

“Three per cent? That’s outrageous!” The cry went up at clandestine meetings held at undisclosed locations. Signs were made and slogans created. Under unrelenting pressure, the industry caved and brought forth a “Reduced Fat 2%” product. They called it milk but fooled exactly no one.

One might have thought such a radical move would silence the opposition. But they, emboldened, were just getting started. Creating scary statistics as they went along, the provocateurs set their sights on a new target: a one per cent fat content. Half the fat, you see, was a good thing. Waistlines would slim, buttocks would shrivel, and birds would chirp in perpetual sunshine.

No one could or would argue with such logic, of course. And so, there was born “1% Milk” – a sort of white, watery cocoction that some could pretend to like in order to save the planet or something.

Could things get worse? Of course. Still troubled by that minuscule vestige of fat, the same lobby kept stirring things up until they got...”skim milk”. The less said about that the better.

It’s not all bad news, of course. There’s UHT milk, which is nothing more than the real thing processed at a high temperature to give it longer shelf life. “Lactose-Free”, I learned, wasn’t touting some special ingredient added at no charge. No...they simply include lactase to break down the lactose that some people can’t tolerate. So at some level, there’s an epic chemical battle going on.

I won’t discuss buttermilk, evaporated milk, or condensed milk except to say that the one time I opened a can of evaporated milk it was empty. That’s not true, of course, but I’m not above inserting some cheap humor here and there. It lightens the mood.

Goat milk? No. Leave the goats alone.

Here’s where it gets crazy. Having extracted all of the fun from whole milk, the radical fringe completely lost it. This is hard to believe, so I hope you’re sitting down.

We now have “milk” made from almonds, cashews, hazelnuts, soy, oats, peas, rice, and even hemp.

I am not joking. I wish I were.