These are the jokes, folks.
Never having learned to act my age, I have a silly streak far wider than any adult should possess. My urge to derail serious conversations may be largely why I have no friends.
I have a volunteer gig working with four women much younger than I am. They tend to think I’m mature. Their second mistake is talking to me.
Last week, one of them asked as I arrived, “How are you doing?” I kept a straight face and responded, “Well, I got some bad news yesterday.” They quickly gathered in front of me, concerned. I followed that announcement with, “I learned that I’m on my last legs.” Their faces fell. Waiting a beat, I said, “Yeah. Apparently, these are the only ones I’m going to get.”
One of our dogs is having some medical issues, and I had to take a fecal specimen to the veterinarian’s office. When I reached the front desk, I said, “I’ll bet that when you saw me coming you thought ‘That guy’s going to give me some shit.’” And then I did.
I went to get two medications for the same pet and told the young man behind the counter I’d been notified that they were ready. He got on his computer and asked, “Name?” I gave him that information, and he found the file. His next question was, “Phone number?”
I wonder if you can guess how I responded. I’ll wait.
Sorry. You’re wrong. I said, “Well, he’s only fifteen years old. We haven’t given him a phone yet. Oh, and he’s also a dog.”
His expression never changed. He merely clarified his question with, “No. I need your phone number.”
The man didn’t smile. He didn’t grin. He didn’t even grimace. I thought it was worth some kind of reaction, at least.
Sometimes, getting a laugh is like pulling teeth (with less blood, in most cases…). There are people in this world with no sense of humor. They can’t help it, I suppose. We should be kind.
A few years ago, I learned of a venue that allowed customers to sign up to spend a few minutes on stage, where they could recite poetry, read an essay, play music, or try doing comedy. Performing a stand-up routine had never been on my bucket list, but I decided to give it a shot.
Much to my surprise, it went really well. After I finished, I was approached by a group of aspiring comics who regularly appeared at open mike nights around the city. They urged me to start doing the same, but I told them that night was strictly a “one-and-done” event for me. I had no desire to work at the craft and am far too lazy even to make the effort.
But I still victimize people on an individual basis.